(Short sequence of musical beeps)
(Two-step drum beat…)
(Cassette Tape Radio)
(Cassette Tape Radio)
(Cassette Tape Radio)
Talia: Hiiii Hey, hiya, alright? Mmm. Hi, welcome.
Here we are, in my podcast. Well you’re listening to it I’m in it. I’m talking to you coz I’m in it but you’re doing what you’re doing. You’re probably on the bus, that’s where I listen to my podcasts; maybe you’re walking around…
I’m Talia Randall and you’re listening to Cassette Tape Radio. Thanks for choosing me today.
Um according to some very half arsed research I did 10 minutes ago there are over 850,000 registered podcasts online. Although I feel like it should be more than that, I feel like that’s quite a small number.
Um there are over 300 million individual episodes belonging to those podcasts, which is mad. Um so here we are in that podcast wormhole today.
Um currently looking outside of my window, it’s a really grey day, it’s a Saturday. You didn’t need to know that. I’m about to make some baked eggs, that’s gonna be nice. Erm, probably have some halloumi, maybe some spinach?
Anyway… Cassette Tape Radio is basically a little place for me to put some weird, silly, strange, sometimes shy ideas that um I just wanted to mess around with. That’s it really; we don’t need to get much deeper than that right now.
Um so yeah… carry on listening, I guess I wanna say? Is that a good catchphrase: carry on listening? I don’t know, there’s something deeply insecure about that, anyway we’ll work on that.
So each episode will be quite different I think um so don’t expect some big arching narrative, you know this is weird silly comedy sketches or stories or funny little interviews or… just stupid stuff basically. Um, enjoy is what I’m saying. Carry on listening…yeah, we definitely need to work on that catchphrase
Anyway, today’s episode is all about the world’s most important mixtape. So the mixtape… I don’t know if you’ve ever been in this position where you need to create a mixtape – or in todays language a playlist – a mixtape that is so important that like everything is riding on it. This is what today’s show is about.
So it’s a basically a story, maybe it could described as a prose poem, I dunno. Or maybe its better to describe it actually as like um an imagined diary entry of an 11-year-old girl who is making this very important mixtape because she’s about to go somewhere special. Yeah?
It may or may not be autobiographical. There’s some embarrassing things that happen towards the end of this story. I don’t know if I wanna take personal credit for me having done that… we’ll find out
Um, that’s all you need to know. Enjoy yourselves aaaaand, here we go, Mixtape for the School Trip is what the story is called. See you on the other side.
MIXTAPE FOR THE SCHOOL TRIP
I am going on a two-hour coach trip.
I’ve never been on a coach trip that long before and so this tape I’m making is probably the most important tape I have ever made.
One of my favourite songs on the tape is called I Touch Myself by a band called The Divinyls.
My parents heard me singing it and then they laughed and then they said ‘just make sure you don’t sing that too loudly on the coach hehuhehu’.
I am listening to a song called Firestarter, it’s by a band called The Prodigy. Its number 1 at the moment and it’s a really good song.
My coach partner is drawing. We had to choose partners to sit next to and we also have to look out for each other and stuff during the whole trip.
I got the window seat because it helps me when I get carsick but my partner doesn’t mind. And also I’m bigger than her and I think she’s a bit scared of me even though I would never ever fight her.
I’m really happy that my tape has two songs by Cindy Lauper on it.
In a minute I’m going to listen to Time after Time and look out the window.
Today, we dipped a bucket into the pond so we could look at all the tadpoles and water boatmen and insects and stuff.
We brought it back into the classroom so we could look at them closely and draw diagrams but Arnold accidently tipped it over.
His feet got stuck under the table leg and the bucket spilled all over the floor and all the tadpoles were flipping about and the teacher tried to pick them up with a ruler but they all died and now the carpet smells pongy and so does Arnold.
When we were in the showers Deborah gave me a dirty look. I wasn’t trying to look at her or anything but I saw that she has boobs and I stared.
She doesn’t have boobs like mine, I don’t have proper ones, it’s just that I’m chubby and so they look a little bit like boobs but they’re not like actually really properly boobs.
My dad says I have puppy fat and that I’ll grow out of it but when he says the words ‘puppy fat’ it makes my stomach feel weird because I don’t want to be a puppy.
I wasn’t trying to like look at her boobs or anything but now I’m scared because she’s really tough and she might actually fight me.
The toilet paper here is good.
Today, when we were in the toilets, I lied about seeing a weasel.
I wanted to speak to one of the girls from the other class, the one who pretends not to like me, so I said ‘hey, I just saw a weasel in the toilet!’
They’ve got lots of nature here so I wanted to show that I’d, like seen some nature, even if it was a lie.
She thought that I said that I saw a weirdo in the toilet.
At breakfast everyone puts lots of sugar on their grapefruits but not me.
Miss says I’m mature. A lot of grown ups say this to me but it sounds a little bit like a cuss.
We’re having breakfast extra early today because we’re doing orienteering. I’m not sure what orienteering is but I know it involves flags and I know that I want to win.
It’s the end-of-week disco tonight. It starts at 5pm and then afterwards there’s going to be a campfire with marshmallows on sticks. I’ve never even had a hot marshmallow before.
I’ve been waiting all week to wear my special dress – Its black on one side and white on the other side and I’ve got a giant yin and yang necklace to go with it. My mum got it me from Camden Market. It’s very cool. And its fake leather even though it looks like real leather which is even cooler because I’m a vegetarian.
On the way form the dorm room to the disco room I sing Firestarter with my friends. I have friends who are boys as well as girls because I’m mature.
Priya and Junior will probably kiss at the school disco tonight but we’ll have to stand in a circle around them so the teachers don’t see.
Everyone is on their knees pretending to pray.
It’s the end bit of Gangster’s Paradise when they sing like a choir so we’re all pretending we’re in a church.
We are listening to my mixtape at the disco. I think this is the coolest moment of my life so far.
Priya and Junior haven’t kissed yet but Billie and Billy have.
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun is playing and all the boys are scared of the girls on the dance floor.
When I Got 5 On It comes on the teacher stops my tape and says it someone else’s turn now.
I walk across the field to the dorm rooms and put the tape back in my Walkman next to my pillow so it’s ready for when I go to bed.
I am scared to go for a wee.
I’m scared the coach will move and I’ll get wee on myself so I hold it in and it hurts my teeth but we’re nearly home now and if I just squeeze my hands together it’ll be ok and I can wee in my own toilet and then I can have a bath and then I can watch Gladiators.
Sometimes I funky, but not good funky, bad funky.
So I sit on my carpet and write running away notes to my parents.
‘It has taken me some time to come to this decision’.
‘Things have been very difficult lately’.
I write these lines over and over again. I don’t want to run away but it feels good sighing and slowly writing the sentences.
I keep my notes in plastic bag under my desk in my bedroom.
Also in the bag are Wagon Wheels and Cola Bottles and Whisper Bars that I buy from the corner shop. And I keep biscuits in there too, Jammy Dodgers and chocolate digestives mainly. I hide them there so my parents don’t see.
I also found a condom once.
Not everyone my age knows what a condom is but I do because I’m mature.
When I ripped it open the wrapper was really sharp and foily. And when I took the condom out it was all rubbery and slimy and so I bit into it with my front teeth and it was squeaky and chewy so I spat it out.
I didn’t want to put it in my bin in case my parents saw so I put in my special plastic bag, the one with the Wagon Wheels.
And now every time I eat a secret biscuit it tastes a bit like condom.
Talia: There you go, that’s it! We made it, well done. That’s the first episode, basically completed, congratulations. I hope you enjoyed it.
If you like what you’re listening to, you think its interesting or funny or weird, share it with someone, you know, put it in the old WhatsApp group. Subscribe… all of that stuff.
I feel weird just saying it, we know – we’re engaged in a social contract by you listening to the podcast so you know all the expectations that I have of you and er.
Just wanna say thanks to Jamie Payne who is the engineer of this podcast. He’s also written the music and the jingles. Jamie do you wanna say a little shout out in the room to the listeners.
Jamie (in the background): Wooooo!
Talia: there you go that’s him in the corner. He’s bought a nice new microphone so you might not have heard that very well coz it’s a nice directional microphone but he just said hello basically in his own way.
Um Cassette Tape Radio is written and created by me Talia Randall. You are you, thank you for listening. Um is there anything else left to say Jamie?
Jamie (in the background): I think you’ve covered it? Come back next time?
Talia: oh yeah, come back next time, (laughing) I don’t think that’s a better catch phrase than Carry On Listening… Come Back Next Time
Ok, see ya, love ya, laters potatoes
– end –